Tag Archives: Toronto

THE NUTSHELL: The Mammoliti Gambit (Or: Councillor Strangelove)

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Usually, the Nutshell is dedicated to random thoughts about many things. In this week’s special edition, I focus on what may one day be referred to as the rise and fall of Giorgio Mammoliti’s Facebook page.

Toronto Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti has certainly been spicing up the current events reports this week. His unveiling of a Facebook page “Save the City…Support the Ford Administration” was merely the beginning of a week of provocative hilarity. Mammoliti’s basically been a one-man comedy quote machine, with no end in sight. With his insistence that he knows “how communists smell” leading off the week with a double to the gap, the onslaught of political satire was on. By the way, if Mammoliti knows how communists smell, he’d sure have come in handy for Senator Joe McCarthy. Think of it. Instead of labourious, time-consuming hearings, socialist sympathizers could have just been brought to Giorgio’s office, where he could nuzzle up to them and swiftly decree “Commie” or “Non-Commie.”

Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti: That better not be a Cuban cigar, sir.

Mammoliti went on to declare the definition of a communist: “Anyone who is able to work, doesn’t want to work and wants everything for free.”  A trifle simplistic, but maybe he has a point. By his definition, I don’t know a single 8 year old that’s not a communist. Round ’em up. Oh, and I guess anyone who buys a lottery ticket might also be an enemy of the Mammoliti state. That makes me guilty. I’d better double-dose the Hai Karate from now on.

Fast forward a few days and we have the Ford Motor Company asking Mammoliti to remove their logo and the phrase “Built Ford Tough” from the Facebook page as they own it and they’d prefer he not use it, thanks. Did you pay to use it, Giorgio, or did you just decide to procure it, for the good of the group. If so, that sounds a little like communism. You may not pass your own smell test. At the very least, you ought to fire back at the Ford Motor Company with some kind of accusation that they’re stripping down old Ladas for parts for their F-150’s.

According to the Globe and Mail, Mr. Mammoliti has “abandoned” the Facebook site now and has left it to “the jokers” to continue running it. However, he continues to sound the air raid sirens on the underground communist plot to take over the city. Mammoliti has declared that a half dozen or so city councillors are bent on installing “a system of government where government takes over all private property and controls the thoughts and views of people.”

“I know some of my views are outside the box,” says Mammoliti. No, Giorgio, they’re not. They’re very much IN the box. A very tiny, oxygen-free box. Constructed in the mid to late 1950’s.

But what if he’s right? Maybe there is an underground movement designed to reshape Toronto in the image of an Iron Curtain, Cold War burg, where men were men and so were half the women. At least it appeared that way during the Olympics.

I suggest we immediately take the following precautions:

Raccoon: Where's your fur hat, comrade?

  1. Reclaim the HMCS Haida from Hamilton and deploy it, along with the City of Toronto ferry armada, in a blockade of Centre Island. We can’t afford the possible installation of Chinese missiles there.
  2. Cease and desist all manner of operations that allow for the fluoridation of Toronto’s water. That’s just everyday, common, anti-commie good sense.
  3. A full-on cull of raccoons. They don’t work. They eat OUR garbage. Garbage that we worked hard to produce. They sleep all day and stay up all hours of the night, scheming and executing Lord-knows-what under cover of darkness. Wake up. They are obviously a covert army of the underground communist agenda. Either that, or slacker teens.
  4. Hire a team of undercover, anti-commie restaurant inspectors whose responsibility it would be to report on patrons who share trays of nachos. As well, they would have the power to close down restaurants whose sous chefs distribute the salsa, cheese and ground beef too evenly.
  5. Construct a wall the length of University Avenue. This could be done cheaply, as we really only need a barrier a few feet high, denying the communists of The United Socialist Republic Of Queen West the ability to cycle in.

Mr. Mammoliti, thank you for your public service. Your efforts to unite Torontonians through the use of social media have added to your collective good works. I implore you, sir. Don’t abandon your facebook page. Do not “tear down this wall posting.”

 [box border=”full”]To read “Where Is Marshall McLuhan’s Couch?” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]

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THE NUTSHELL: Too Hot To Bother

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

THE HEAT

The Don Valley Parkway, Toronto, Ont. July 21, 2011. 4:48 pm.

My apologies if this version of “The Nutshell” is a little shorter. It’s just too hot to type. Maybe if I moved my computer inside from the top of my barbecue. It’s just that, no one on tv told me I shouldn’t word process in this heat, so I guess it’s okay. I mean, they CONSTANTLY remind you to put on sunscreen, stay hydrated and look for a place where you can cool off, but no mention of not blogging on the top of your barbecue. So, I’ll keep going. Seriously. Could everyone on TV, in radio and in print STOP telling us we need to wear sunscreen, drink water, find shade and “not overdo it”? Or, are there really people out there who would forget to drink something if they feel thirsty?

A guy on tv said we could go and cool off at “one of Toronto’s 3 world-class water parks.” I didn’t even know there were different classes of water parks. And we’ve got three WORLD-CLASS ones? Suck on that, Paris. Eat it, New York City. Hey, London, how many world-class water parks are you rockin’? Thought so. Go cool off in “the tube,” or something.

Weather guy put a block of ice on the station parking lot last night, as an experiment. He did some weather, then the camera came back to that block of ice a wee bit later. There was a slightly smaller block of ice there, with a small puddle of water underneath it. It was melting. Oh, my, look what the heat can do. Important to remember, folks. If you’re taking your pet block of ice for a walk in this weather, first slather it with some sunscreen. And keep it hydrated. Oh, and for God’s sake, don’t let that block of ice overdo it.

 SPORTS

Tiger and Steve. "Misty, water-hazard memories..."

Tiger Woods dumped his long-time caddie, Steve Williams. Big mistake, Eldrick. What if Steve decides to write a tell-all book and you come out looking…  never mind.

 

POP CULTURE

Yesterday marked the 100th anniversary of the birth of Canadian super-brain, Marshall McLuhan. All he did was predict the internet 30 years before it happened. He also predicted that the continued advancements in communication would shrink the planet into a global village. He DID NOT predict that Twitter would unleash legions of “Global Village Idiots” on us. Well, maybe he did. Meantime, I chatted with McLuhan’s son, Michael, and tried to track down Marshall’s old couch, yesterday. You can read about it in my blog: “Where is Marshall McLuhan’s Couch?”

POLITICS

President Obama auctions off the state of Delaware at a debt-ceiling charity dinner.

With the temperatures soaring on Thursday, all trains in Toronto had to travel much more slowly, because the heat was so great, it actually expanded the rails. This meant that gravy deliveries to City Hall were delayed. Not to mention that the heat curdled the gravy.

U.S. President Barack Obama gave a speech, today, on that country’s looming debt crisis. Said Obama, of the possibility of defaulting: “The United States doesn’t run out without paying the tab. We pay our bills.”  Let’s hope so. Because you know that if they get evicted from their country, they’re all gonna need a place to stay. And we’re the rich relatives right now.

Silvio Berlusconi was denied in his bid to have his sex trial moved from a Milan court. I wonder what strip club was he hoping to hold it in?

FINAL THOUGHT

Global warming? More like global scorching. Or scalding. Hell, I don’t know. That’s it! Global helling.

[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

 

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, “The Gist Of It,” click here. [/box]

 

 

 

THE NUTSHELL: Harper And Ford In A New Boy Band? Clinton Cashes, Indy Crashes And “Owling” Takes Over From “Planking”

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

I rarely ride my bike. Should do it more often. So, this week, I pedaled it over to a friend’s place. In order to offset the possibly harmful effects of the exercise, on the way back, I pulled into KFC. Because I saw a sign for the “Double Down.” Bill Hayes and I had talked a wee bit about it on this week’s podcast (hear it here).  We also discussed the pulled pork parfait. Which is a real thing. And sounds like a good idea to me. The Double Down ought to be called the Double Back. Because it felt like my stomach was going to insist on a u-turn. I’m not saying there’s too much salt in that thing, but, if you tossed a Double Down into Lake Ontario, pretty sure you could then float on your back all the way to Rochester. Look. I like KFC. I’ve fond memories of being a kid and my parents ordering up the do it yourself buffet. Chicken, fries, gravy, macaroni salad and Grecian bread. Still have the old jingle rolling around in my noggin. But the Double Down (another name might be the “We Double Dare You To Try And Keep It Down”) is an experience I won’t have again. Put it this way: Woodstock was great and all, but you needed to stay away from the brown acid. Speaking of acid, I need to stop writing for a second so I can go pop another Zantac.

SPORTS

  • The Blue Jays traded Juan Rivera to the Los Angeles Dodgers for a player to be named later or cash considerations. Uh, cash considerations? From the bankruptcy-protected Dodgers? I think it’ll unfold this way: The Dodgers will consider giving the Jays cash. Their lawyers will consider that hilarious and tell them they don’t have any.

    The player to be named later? Maybe he'd offer Bautista a little protection in the batting order.

  • Plaxico Burress is targeting the Jets,Texans and Eagles as teams he’d like to play with. Of course, with his aim, he could wind up anywhere, really.
  • The Honda Indy, run through the streets of Toronto last weekend, was filled with crash after crash after crash. Dan Aykroyd was the Grand Marshal, so I guess it’s only fitting that everybody drove like it was dark and they were wearing sunglasses.
  • Why do punters run around in the end zone when conceding a safety even when their team is BEHIND? Isn’t that like detouring into a construction zone when you’re already late picking up your kid at daycare?

 

POLITICS

 

  • While playing cowboy at the Calgary Stampede, Prime Minister Harper also found time to pal around with Hollywood’s traditional cowboy foe. While visiting the Blood Tribe Of Alberta (I’d originally thought this was a nickname for the Conservative Party) he was made an honourary chief. His name: “Chief Speaker.”  No politician should be named anything other than “Chief Talking Point.” I don’t know about you, but seeing the Prime Minister in a head dress and knowing full well his prodigious musical chops, I think he’d be an excellent member of a Canadian version of The Village People.

    "Am I delighted to be here? And how."

    Where Rob Ford might fit in, I haven’t quite figured out yet. Can he sing? We know he can dance. Proved it at the launch for the festival formerly known as Caribana. (Scroll down the page in that link a bit to see the video) The mayor danced with some fully costumed flamboyant revellers. Kinda like the Pride Parade. Bet he’s sorry he missed that now. At any rate, if he joins the Canadian version of Village People, we can rewrite the lyrics to their signature hit “YMCA” for him. “It’s fun to REE-move the Jaaaar-vis bike lanes, it’s fun to REE-move the – uh, Jaaarvis bike lay-anes….” I grant you, forming a letter “B” with your body wouldn’t be easy.

  • Apparently, Bill Clinton has made just under 76 million dollars, in speaking fees alone, since leaving the White House 10 years ago. Maybe he ought to be named Chief Speaker. Clinton charges an average of $181,000.00 per speech. More, I’m told, if you want him to do his dead-on impression of Hillary. The magic tricks he does for free because, you know, chicks dig it.

POP CULTURE

  • Tom Hanks met the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge earlier this week. Hope that, when he shook his hand, Hanks bellowed: “WILLIAAAAAAAM!”
  • Conrad Black has been ordered back to prison by September 6th. Well, at least he’ll still be able to march in the Labour Day Parade.
  • They ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, again. Kids’ play. Because, in Denia, Spain, they have a little thing known as diving with the bulls. Yes. When you run with bulls, they can merely trample or gore you to death. Diving bulls can trample, gore OR drown you. That’s a man’s game.

    "Owling." Where's a rampaging bull when you really need one?

  • Apparently, “planking” is over. It’s so 2011. Or, so earlier 2011. It’s being replaced with – wait for it – “owling.” People crouch on things, or perch, like an owl. then snap a picture and send it to everybody and hilarity ensues. No thanks. No planking, no owling. I’ll wait for something really cool, like “raccooning,” where people take pictures of their buddies eating out of somebody’s green bin at 3 in the morning.
  • A guy tried to sue the CBC and Dragons’ Den because some of the Dragons were mean to him.  They didn’t like his idea and spurned him gruffly, with one of the Dragons, Jim Treliving (Boston Pizza) telling him he was “blowing air up a dead horse’s ass.” (Another possible photo alternative to planking) I love how, in the Globe and Mail story I’ve linked to, that line is followed by “He did not receive the investment he sought.” Right. Because Jim sells pizza. But if he ever does get into the business of blowing air up dead horses’ asses, I like the guy’s chances of a triumphant return to The Den.

FINAL THOUGHT

Headline: “Toronto Overtakes Vancouver As Canada’s Most Expensive City.” I think Vancouver was slowed by bridge traffic.

[box border=”full”]To see a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

 

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, “THE GIST OF IT,” click here. [/box]