Tag Archives: Rob Ford

Transit City: The Musical!

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I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines while everybody else gets into the fun of musical theatre.

They’re making millions and those of us who don’t dip into the ever-growing and lucrative world of the old soft shoe and warble are suckers.

There’s a “Shrek: The Musical,” for God’s sake. Only a matter of time – mark me – before we’re enjoying the elevated buzz around opening night of  “Flashpoint: The Musical.” Hell, Hugh Dillon will probably write the music himself.

Stintz and Ford: Another title could be “A Streetcar Named You’re Fired.”

 

However, long before we get to that, we shouldn’t look past the incredible drama and intrigue that is Toronto’s own city council. Lots of meat on that bone, even if the gravy’s gotten scarce.

Divine inspiration struck me as I watched the unfolding events down at the ol’ clam shell on Wednesday. As wave after wave of venom-filled tweets from both sides of the debate electrified my brain, I had an epiphany.

“Transit City: The Musical.”

Oh, baby. Ka – friggin’ – ching!

‘This idea’s too good not to have an exclamation point in the title,’ I thought. And so was born:

“Transit City: The Musical!”

Political intrigue. Backstabbing. Quickly unfolding drama. This can easily be translated to the stage. And will be, once Garth Drabinsky gets out of jail and is looking for the next great thing.

What follows is a general overview of my vision for Toronto’s greatest homegrown musical.

As far as casting, I’ve already nailed down my principal players. I need the mayor and his brother, as well as a TTC Chair.

Brent Butt will play Rob Ford. Gerry Dee will play his brother Doug. That’s perfect casting. Use your imagination. And we’ll use hair and make-up. As well as prosthetics, if need be.

Their signature number will come in a scene where, just after coming to power, they hatch their plan to ditch former mayor David Miller’s Transit City initiative. The scene is punctuated with their duet treatment of an old Spoons’ chestnut, with a slight twist:

Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo…. Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo… broooooomaaaaantic traffic….

Butt’s big dramatic solo moment will come later in the show, when Transit City is revived by council vote. It’s at that point that I see him making his way to downstage right, and sitting with his legs dangling over the edge. A single spotlight trained on him, he forlornly sings The Doors’ “The End.”

Sheila McCarthy: A better Karen Stintz than Karen Stintz.

Playing TTC Chair (for now) Karen Stintz, I’d like Sheila McCarthy. Only she could bring the complex mixture of strength and weariness so crucial to the multi-layered role of a woman who is conflicted by past alliances with a man she’d previously been devoted to, and her burgeoning ambition. She’s basically the Brutus to Rob Ford’s Caesar. (Mental note: Should we re-imagine this play as being set in Roman times? Brent Butt and Gerry Dee would be hysterical in togas.)

It HAS to be Sheila McCarthy. Realistically, Reese Witherspoon could carry it off, too, but, c’mon, we need to keep spending under control. If we can’t get McCarthy, I’d be happy with BT’s Jennifer Valentyne. She’s delightful.

I haven’t quite worked in a David Miller part just yet, but I know it’s essential. When I get a handle on that, I’ll approach veteran actor Michael Murphy to do it. Great actor. And look at him! That’s David Miller!

Let’s see, what else have I got?

There will definitely be a “West Side Story” type of number in there, probably to close the first act. A Sharks versus Jets thingy. Subway advocates against LRT lobbyists. It’s here that I envision a bit of a Ford-Stintz romantic tension undercurrent.

I hope to build in a gaggle of journalists, who can push the narrative with the odd question for each of the main characters. That’s where I’ll be able to invite crowd-pleasing Toronto news celebrities to do quick cameos, like in The Nutcracker. Peter Mansbridge. Lisa LaFlamme. Gord Martineau. Somebody From The Weather Network.

It’s a work in progress, so be gentle with critiques of this treatment. We need to workshop this puppy a bit, preferably at a place that’s not easy to get to by public transit. Soulpepper would suffice. Are you interested, Albert Schultz? I’d even let you play Giorgio Mammoliti, if you’re willing to go there as an actor.

I envision casting changes, rewrite after rewrite after rewrite, and impatient third party investors wondering when the hell this thing is going to actually hit the stage. If ever.

That only seems appropriate.

[box border=”full”]To read “The Mammoliti Gambit,” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To read “Rob Ford and Mary Walsh: Do Two Wrongs Make a Funny?” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To read “Jim Flaherty’s Budget Speech Translated,” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To read “Unveiled: Top Secret Rookie MP Guidebook,” click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: “Cain And Shuster,” Mayor Ford Cracks The Nut And London’s Baseball Blunder

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A collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

"So, how's your campaign going?"

Herman Cain and Rick Perry should draw salaries from the following TV shows: The Colbert Report, The Daily Show and Saturday Night Live. And any other show that lampoons the increasingly martian-like characteristics of the Republican Primary landscape. instead of needing to work hard at clever turns of phrase or outrageous extensions of what’s really happening, producers can just say “roll tape,” and have done with it. When I imagine the Republican Party’s topography these days, I envision a young Mel Gibson surveying the arid Australian outback in a postapocalyptic world, with the lawless and the crazies bombing around in dune buggies in hockey masks and football shoulder pads. It’s Mad Max out there, and getting “Madder and Maxier.” When Perry challenged Democrat Nancy Pelosi to a debate this week, I thought: “Why don’t we just cut out a step or two and schedule their square-off at 11:30 on Saturday night, on NBC?”

[button link=”http://www.donlandry.com/2011/11/the-gist-of-it-november-16-2011/” window=”yes”]To hear more on Herman Cain and the Republicans, click here for this week’s podcast, with Don Landry and Bill Hayes.[/button]

Toronto mayor Rob Ford has confirmed he will make a cameo appearance in the National Ballet Of Canada’s annual presentation of “The Nutcracker.” It will, unfortunately, be a non-dancing part. After seeing his performance at the Caribbean Festival kick-off, I’d love to see His Worship tippy-toe across the stage in a uni-tard. But, come to think of it, the mayor isn’t particularly adept at tippy-toeing. Ever. So, we’ll have to be satisfied with his role as a cannon doll. Keep an eye on him during this performance. That cannon may somehow end up pointed at Mary Walsh.

While I was cleaning out a drawer that had been systematically filled up over time with long-forgotten items, I came across a Blockbuster Video membership card. Sure hope it hasn’t expired. Among the other things I turned up as I continued to rifle through: An 8-track tape of the album “Cornerstone,” by Styx, a gift certificate for Frank Vetere’s Pizzeria and, finally, in the back corner of the drawer, The Liberal Party Of Canada.

 SPORTS

Every time I see Ryan Fitzpatrick trot out onto the field, I think: “Hey, Zach Galifianakis is quarterbacking the Buffalo Bills!”

Hmm, intriguing. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers released underused receiver Terrence Jeffers-Harris on Thursday. On Friday, their opponents in this weekend’s CFL East Final, the Hamilton TiCats, added him to their practice roster. He’s ineligible to play for Hamilton in the game, but is eligible to give his new bosses every bit of information he has on Winnipeg’s offensive scheming, if he so desires.  If the TiCats’ defence appears to know pretty much exactly what the Bombers do on any given play, it won’t be because they have some keen sense of ESP (or, as it’s known in sports circles, ESPN) but because “new guy” gave them the blueprints. Or bomberprints. Whatever they’re called. We’ll see how this plays out. The Bombers may have just made the biggest strategic blunder since somebody once said: “Hey, I’ve got an idea! A new Coke!”

 

"He's lined one into the alley. The dark, dark alley."

So, some geniuses in London, Ontario, decided to name their new baseball team the “London Rippers.” Now, no problem, if the logo is a big, burly strongman belting a Roy Hobb’s-like home run. That would make perfect sense. “Ripping” the ball  has, for years, been known as a term for crushing home runs. Instead, they decided on the logo you see to the left, which obviously plays on the Jack The Ripper theme. Fun for the kids!!  Tonight is cloak and dagger night at the ballpark! Now, I don’t much care how long ago this guy terrorized the women of London, England. It could be a thousand years ago, instead of 120. You don’t name teams after serial killers. Unless you’re devoid of conscience or… what’s the word? Oh, yeah. Taste. I look forward to you expanding your baseball empire with the Stratford Zodiacs, the St. Thomas Stranglers, the Guelph Gacys and the Beamsville Bundys.

[button link=”http://www.donlandry.com/2011/11/the-london-rippers-and-political-correctness/” window=”yes”]To read: “The London Rippers And Political Correctness,” click here.[/button]

 

POP CULTURE

"Don't be afraid. I just want to shake Regis Philbin's hand."

Next week, the U.S. will celebrate its Thanksgiving. One of the highlights for many people is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. But, beware, New York City. With all those giant balloons of Snoopy and Shrek and Mr. Potato Head and dozens of others, wouldn’t this be the perfect time for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to blend in for a sneak attack? Not saying he’s ready to strike. Just saying ‘be prepared.’ And know who you gonna call.

FINAL THOUGHT

Saskatchewan Roughrider offensive lineman Gene Makowsky was elected to the provincial legislature. Caucus meetings will now be held in a tight circle and end with a single, group clap.

 

[box border=”full”]To read a previous “The Nutshell,” click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Harper And Ford In A New Boy Band? Clinton Cashes, Indy Crashes And “Owling” Takes Over From “Planking”

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

I rarely ride my bike. Should do it more often. So, this week, I pedaled it over to a friend’s place. In order to offset the possibly harmful effects of the exercise, on the way back, I pulled into KFC. Because I saw a sign for the “Double Down.” Bill Hayes and I had talked a wee bit about it on this week’s podcast (hear it here).  We also discussed the pulled pork parfait. Which is a real thing. And sounds like a good idea to me. The Double Down ought to be called the Double Back. Because it felt like my stomach was going to insist on a u-turn. I’m not saying there’s too much salt in that thing, but, if you tossed a Double Down into Lake Ontario, pretty sure you could then float on your back all the way to Rochester. Look. I like KFC. I’ve fond memories of being a kid and my parents ordering up the do it yourself buffet. Chicken, fries, gravy, macaroni salad and Grecian bread. Still have the old jingle rolling around in my noggin. But the Double Down (another name might be the “We Double Dare You To Try And Keep It Down”) is an experience I won’t have again. Put it this way: Woodstock was great and all, but you needed to stay away from the brown acid. Speaking of acid, I need to stop writing for a second so I can go pop another Zantac.

SPORTS

  • The Blue Jays traded Juan Rivera to the Los Angeles Dodgers for a player to be named later or cash considerations. Uh, cash considerations? From the bankruptcy-protected Dodgers? I think it’ll unfold this way: The Dodgers will consider giving the Jays cash. Their lawyers will consider that hilarious and tell them they don’t have any.

    The player to be named later? Maybe he'd offer Bautista a little protection in the batting order.

  • Plaxico Burress is targeting the Jets,Texans and Eagles as teams he’d like to play with. Of course, with his aim, he could wind up anywhere, really.
  • The Honda Indy, run through the streets of Toronto last weekend, was filled with crash after crash after crash. Dan Aykroyd was the Grand Marshal, so I guess it’s only fitting that everybody drove like it was dark and they were wearing sunglasses.
  • Why do punters run around in the end zone when conceding a safety even when their team is BEHIND? Isn’t that like detouring into a construction zone when you’re already late picking up your kid at daycare?

 

POLITICS

 

  • While playing cowboy at the Calgary Stampede, Prime Minister Harper also found time to pal around with Hollywood’s traditional cowboy foe. While visiting the Blood Tribe Of Alberta (I’d originally thought this was a nickname for the Conservative Party) he was made an honourary chief. His name: “Chief Speaker.”  No politician should be named anything other than “Chief Talking Point.” I don’t know about you, but seeing the Prime Minister in a head dress and knowing full well his prodigious musical chops, I think he’d be an excellent member of a Canadian version of The Village People.

    "Am I delighted to be here? And how."

    Where Rob Ford might fit in, I haven’t quite figured out yet. Can he sing? We know he can dance. Proved it at the launch for the festival formerly known as Caribana. (Scroll down the page in that link a bit to see the video) The mayor danced with some fully costumed flamboyant revellers. Kinda like the Pride Parade. Bet he’s sorry he missed that now. At any rate, if he joins the Canadian version of Village People, we can rewrite the lyrics to their signature hit “YMCA” for him. “It’s fun to REE-move the Jaaaar-vis bike lanes, it’s fun to REE-move the – uh, Jaaarvis bike lay-anes….” I grant you, forming a letter “B” with your body wouldn’t be easy.

  • Apparently, Bill Clinton has made just under 76 million dollars, in speaking fees alone, since leaving the White House 10 years ago. Maybe he ought to be named Chief Speaker. Clinton charges an average of $181,000.00 per speech. More, I’m told, if you want him to do his dead-on impression of Hillary. The magic tricks he does for free because, you know, chicks dig it.

POP CULTURE

  • Tom Hanks met the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge earlier this week. Hope that, when he shook his hand, Hanks bellowed: “WILLIAAAAAAAM!”
  • Conrad Black has been ordered back to prison by September 6th. Well, at least he’ll still be able to march in the Labour Day Parade.
  • They ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, again. Kids’ play. Because, in Denia, Spain, they have a little thing known as diving with the bulls. Yes. When you run with bulls, they can merely trample or gore you to death. Diving bulls can trample, gore OR drown you. That’s a man’s game.

    "Owling." Where's a rampaging bull when you really need one?

  • Apparently, “planking” is over. It’s so 2011. Or, so earlier 2011. It’s being replaced with – wait for it – “owling.” People crouch on things, or perch, like an owl. then snap a picture and send it to everybody and hilarity ensues. No thanks. No planking, no owling. I’ll wait for something really cool, like “raccooning,” where people take pictures of their buddies eating out of somebody’s green bin at 3 in the morning.
  • A guy tried to sue the CBC and Dragons’ Den because some of the Dragons were mean to him.  They didn’t like his idea and spurned him gruffly, with one of the Dragons, Jim Treliving (Boston Pizza) telling him he was “blowing air up a dead horse’s ass.” (Another possible photo alternative to planking) I love how, in the Globe and Mail story I’ve linked to, that line is followed by “He did not receive the investment he sought.” Right. Because Jim sells pizza. But if he ever does get into the business of blowing air up dead horses’ asses, I like the guy’s chances of a triumphant return to The Den.

FINAL THOUGHT

Headline: “Toronto Overtakes Vancouver As Canada’s Most Expensive City.” I think Vancouver was slowed by bridge traffic.

[box border=”full”]To see a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

 

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, “THE GIST OF IT,” click here. [/box]

 

 

 

THE NUTSHELL: The Riots, Canoe Dancing And The Selling Of Toronto

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

  • Well, I suppose it has to come under the banner of sports, but, the rioting in Vancouver only lands in this category because of its proximity to Game 7 of the Cup Final. Watching a group of a-holes jump up and down on a police car, I got to thinking that if there was any justice in the world at all, one (or preferably more) of them would bust an ankle, or an arm. If there was justice, it’d be one of these clowns that suffered a compression fracture of the vertebrae, or a concussion, not Mayson Raymond or Nathan Horton. To those of you rocket surgeons who posted your pictures and proud anarchy status updates on Facebook, I say “bravo.” You are just as smart as I figured you were. To the VAST majority of Vancouverites who would never partake in this garbage and are, in fact, embarrassed by this criminal nonsense, don’t be. There are morons everywhere. It would be nice to be inoculated against that kind of gene pool pollution, but no city is immune.
Mason Raymond. You know, if it were me, I’d wear that thing UNDER my shirt to make it look like I’ve got ripped abs.

 

  • Speaking of Mayson Raymond, did you see him at Game 7? For a moment, I wondered if he was actually one of the many entertainment celebs that had graced the Stanley Cup Final. Perhaps, one of the injured cast members of “Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark.”
  • NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman really got an earful at the Cup presentation, didn’t he? That was some lusty booing. But, I wonder if he considers it a success considering he only had two shoes, an iPhone and one “Green Guy” thrown at him. Bettman could have avoided this, if he’d only taken one of my suggestions, and done the Cup presentation up right.
  • Steve Nash fired out this tweet, just before Game 7 started: Nerves. Excitement. Longing. Pride. It feels like the night I entered manhood….@vancanucks. Wonder if that night turned out the same for Steve as did Wednesday for Canuck fans. Incredible anticipation followed by an inglorious exit and, perhaps, some crying.
Make that outfit out of sequins and you’ve got an Olympic sport.

POP CULTURE

  • Watching the Colbert Report the other night, I saw a piece on something that I didn’t even know existed. Freestyle canoeing. But, I like to call it “canoe dancing.” Have a look, (the guy’s routine starts at about the 1:15 mark) then come back for  some smart ass comments. Okay. This has now taken over from “extreme ironing” as my favourite niche sport. I think it’s a sport. Could be an art. Or, an affliction. As great as this is, I think they could ramp up the attractiveness, just a bit, by adding a portage portion to the competition. Guy, on land, dances up to the shore, spinning the thing over his head like it’s Jamie Sale. Can’t wait for the “reality” show based on this, “Dancing with the Oars.” They could pair paddling celebrities with freestyle canoe pros. Silken Laumann, Marnie McBean, Adam Van Koeverden, all doing the watercraft equivalent of “Battle of the Blades.” Heck, let’s make it ex-NHLers and call it “Paddle of the Blades.”

 

  • Arby’s and Wendy’s will no longer be affliated. It’ll be a contentious divorce, with a pitched battle over who gets custody of the cholesterol.
  • The “Webby” awards were handed out this week. Acceptance speeches were restricted to 5 words. That keeps the show moving, and ensures Kanye West has very little chance of interrupting a winner’s speech. “I’ma let ya finish…but… ‘Proxy.org’ had one of the best proxy servers of ALL TIME!!”
  • The movie “Super 8” is tops at the box office. About time they did something to answer the competition. I mean, “Holiday Inn” came out, what, 70 years ago? Can’t wait for the blockbuster “Radisson.”

POLITICS

Doug Ford (L) and Mayor Rob Ford discuss how much they think they could get for selling ad space on Councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong’s lapels.
  • Rob and Doug Ford floated an idea, down at City Hall. Raise some much needed cash by selling the naming rights to some city-owned properties, like subway stations. Some of them wouldn’t even have to change their name. Dupont, Yorkdale, Woodbine, Royal York. Others would need just a wee tweak: Mr. Christie (thanks for that one, Anne), St. Clairol, Victoria’s Secret Park, Humber College, Old Mill Street Brewery and Elmwood Spa-dina. My personal favourite comes from Global TV’s Jackson Proskow: Bed Bathurst and Beyond. (Note: After I published this blog, Jackson let me know that I should credit “The Torontoist” for the Bed, Bathurst and Beyond line. so, consider it done.) It’s a good idea. Let’s start by selling the naming rights to the mayor. And take Ford Motor Company out of the equation. Not nearly fun enough.
  • Anthony Weiner has resigned. Now that he’s got so much spare time on his hands… oh boy.
  • Yet ANOTHER woman has come forward to say that she got dirty messages from Weiner. Geezuz, this guy is the Tiger Woods of sex scandals. No, wait. Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of sex scandals. Right now, Tiger is the Anthony Weiner of golf.
  • Weiner’s media conference was kind of bizarre, in that, in the face of all that heckling, the man who posted crotch shots on the internet came across as, well, dignified. The conference reminded me of one of my all time favourite political hecklings. Poor Ben Konop, who ran for mayor of Toledo. While trying to address the media, some goofball who looked like one of the Klopek’s from the movie “the ‘Burbs” kept riding Ben from a chair on his porch. The video is here.

FINAL THOUGHT

“Woofstock” was held in Toronto last weekend. Bunch of long-haired Shih Tzus and their rock and roll and their peace and free love crap. Get a haircut, you hippies!

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL, click here[/box]