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THE NUTSHELL: The Mammoliti Gambit (Or: Councillor Strangelove)

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Usually, the Nutshell is dedicated to random thoughts about many things. In this week’s special edition, I focus on what may one day be referred to as the rise and fall of Giorgio Mammoliti’s Facebook page.

Toronto Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti has certainly been spicing up the current events reports this week. His unveiling of a Facebook page “Save the City…Support the Ford Administration” was merely the beginning of a week of provocative hilarity. Mammoliti’s basically been a one-man comedy quote machine, with no end in sight. With his insistence that he knows “how communists smell” leading off the week with a double to the gap, the onslaught of political satire was on. By the way, if Mammoliti knows how communists smell, he’d sure have come in handy for Senator Joe McCarthy. Think of it. Instead of labourious, time-consuming hearings, socialist sympathizers could have just been brought to Giorgio’s office, where he could nuzzle up to them and swiftly decree “Commie” or “Non-Commie.”

Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti: That better not be a Cuban cigar, sir.

Mammoliti went on to declare the definition of a communist: “Anyone who is able to work, doesn’t want to work and wants everything for free.”  A trifle simplistic, but maybe he has a point. By his definition, I don’t know a single 8 year old that’s not a communist. Round ’em up. Oh, and I guess anyone who buys a lottery ticket might also be an enemy of the Mammoliti state. That makes me guilty. I’d better double-dose the Hai Karate from now on.

Fast forward a few days and we have the Ford Motor Company asking Mammoliti to remove their logo and the phrase “Built Ford Tough” from the Facebook page as they own it and they’d prefer he not use it, thanks. Did you pay to use it, Giorgio, or did you just decide to procure it, for the good of the group. If so, that sounds a little like communism. You may not pass your own smell test. At the very least, you ought to fire back at the Ford Motor Company with some kind of accusation that they’re stripping down old Ladas for parts for their F-150’s.

According to the Globe and Mail, Mr. Mammoliti has “abandoned” the Facebook site now and has left it to “the jokers” to continue running it. However, he continues to sound the air raid sirens on the underground communist plot to take over the city. Mammoliti has declared that a half dozen or so city councillors are bent on installing “a system of government where government takes over all private property and controls the thoughts and views of people.”

“I know some of my views are outside the box,” says Mammoliti. No, Giorgio, they’re not. They’re very much IN the box. A very tiny, oxygen-free box. Constructed in the mid to late 1950’s.

But what if he’s right? Maybe there is an underground movement designed to reshape Toronto in the image of an Iron Curtain, Cold War burg, where men were men and so were half the women. At least it appeared that way during the Olympics.

I suggest we immediately take the following precautions:

Raccoon: Where's your fur hat, comrade?

  1. Reclaim the HMCS Haida from Hamilton and deploy it, along with the City of Toronto ferry armada, in a blockade of Centre Island. We can’t afford the possible installation of Chinese missiles there.
  2. Cease and desist all manner of operations that allow for the fluoridation of Toronto’s water. That’s just everyday, common, anti-commie good sense.
  3. A full-on cull of raccoons. They don’t work. They eat OUR garbage. Garbage that we worked hard to produce. They sleep all day and stay up all hours of the night, scheming and executing Lord-knows-what under cover of darkness. Wake up. They are obviously a covert army of the underground communist agenda. Either that, or slacker teens.
  4. Hire a team of undercover, anti-commie restaurant inspectors whose responsibility it would be to report on patrons who share trays of nachos. As well, they would have the power to close down restaurants whose sous chefs distribute the salsa, cheese and ground beef too evenly.
  5. Construct a wall the length of University Avenue. This could be done cheaply, as we really only need a barrier a few feet high, denying the communists of The United Socialist Republic Of Queen West the ability to cycle in.

Mr. Mammoliti, thank you for your public service. Your efforts to unite Torontonians through the use of social media have added to your collective good works. I implore you, sir. Don’t abandon your facebook page. Do not “tear down this wall posting.”

 [box border=”full”]To read “Where Is Marshall McLuhan’s Couch?” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To read “Rookie MP Guidebook,” click here. [/box]