Category Archives: Pop Culture

The Gist Of It – June 22, 2011

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In this episode, Bill and Don try to wrap their heads around the Boston Bruins’ bar tab, discuss Roger Ebert’s ill-timed tweet and talk about Toronto’s status as an also-ran sports town. As well, Don’s excitement about the Royal Visit and a discussion about internet “shaming.”

THE NUTSHELL: The Riots, Canoe Dancing And The Selling Of Toronto

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

  • Well, I suppose it has to come under the banner of sports, but, the rioting in Vancouver only lands in this category because of its proximity to Game 7 of the Cup Final. Watching a group of a-holes jump up and down on a police car, I got to thinking that if there was any justice in the world at all, one (or preferably more) of them would bust an ankle, or an arm. If there was justice, it’d be one of these clowns that suffered a compression fracture of the vertebrae, or a concussion, not Mayson Raymond or Nathan Horton. To those of you rocket surgeons who posted your pictures and proud anarchy status updates on Facebook, I say “bravo.” You are just as smart as I figured you were. To the VAST majority of Vancouverites who would never partake in this garbage and are, in fact, embarrassed by this criminal nonsense, don’t be. There are morons everywhere. It would be nice to be inoculated against that kind of gene pool pollution, but no city is immune.
Mason Raymond. You know, if it were me, I’d wear that thing UNDER my shirt to make it look like I’ve got ripped abs.

 

  • Speaking of Mayson Raymond, did you see him at Game 7? For a moment, I wondered if he was actually one of the many entertainment celebs that had graced the Stanley Cup Final. Perhaps, one of the injured cast members of “Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark.”
  • NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman really got an earful at the Cup presentation, didn’t he? That was some lusty booing. But, I wonder if he considers it a success considering he only had two shoes, an iPhone and one “Green Guy” thrown at him. Bettman could have avoided this, if he’d only taken one of my suggestions, and done the Cup presentation up right.
  • Steve Nash fired out this tweet, just before Game 7 started: Nerves. Excitement. Longing. Pride. It feels like the night I entered manhood….@vancanucks. Wonder if that night turned out the same for Steve as did Wednesday for Canuck fans. Incredible anticipation followed by an inglorious exit and, perhaps, some crying.
Make that outfit out of sequins and you’ve got an Olympic sport.

POP CULTURE

  • Watching the Colbert Report the other night, I saw a piece on something that I didn’t even know existed. Freestyle canoeing. But, I like to call it “canoe dancing.” Have a look, (the guy’s routine starts at about the 1:15 mark) then come back for  some smart ass comments. Okay. This has now taken over from “extreme ironing” as my favourite niche sport. I think it’s a sport. Could be an art. Or, an affliction. As great as this is, I think they could ramp up the attractiveness, just a bit, by adding a portage portion to the competition. Guy, on land, dances up to the shore, spinning the thing over his head like it’s Jamie Sale. Can’t wait for the “reality” show based on this, “Dancing with the Oars.” They could pair paddling celebrities with freestyle canoe pros. Silken Laumann, Marnie McBean, Adam Van Koeverden, all doing the watercraft equivalent of “Battle of the Blades.” Heck, let’s make it ex-NHLers and call it “Paddle of the Blades.”

 

  • Arby’s and Wendy’s will no longer be affliated. It’ll be a contentious divorce, with a pitched battle over who gets custody of the cholesterol.
  • The “Webby” awards were handed out this week. Acceptance speeches were restricted to 5 words. That keeps the show moving, and ensures Kanye West has very little chance of interrupting a winner’s speech. “I’ma let ya finish…but… ‘Proxy.org’ had one of the best proxy servers of ALL TIME!!”
  • The movie “Super 8” is tops at the box office. About time they did something to answer the competition. I mean, “Holiday Inn” came out, what, 70 years ago? Can’t wait for the blockbuster “Radisson.”

POLITICS

Doug Ford (L) and Mayor Rob Ford discuss how much they think they could get for selling ad space on Councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong’s lapels.
  • Rob and Doug Ford floated an idea, down at City Hall. Raise some much needed cash by selling the naming rights to some city-owned properties, like subway stations. Some of them wouldn’t even have to change their name. Dupont, Yorkdale, Woodbine, Royal York. Others would need just a wee tweak: Mr. Christie (thanks for that one, Anne), St. Clairol, Victoria’s Secret Park, Humber College, Old Mill Street Brewery and Elmwood Spa-dina. My personal favourite comes from Global TV’s Jackson Proskow: Bed Bathurst and Beyond. (Note: After I published this blog, Jackson let me know that I should credit “The Torontoist” for the Bed, Bathurst and Beyond line. so, consider it done.) It’s a good idea. Let’s start by selling the naming rights to the mayor. And take Ford Motor Company out of the equation. Not nearly fun enough.
  • Anthony Weiner has resigned. Now that he’s got so much spare time on his hands… oh boy.
  • Yet ANOTHER woman has come forward to say that she got dirty messages from Weiner. Geezuz, this guy is the Tiger Woods of sex scandals. No, wait. Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of sex scandals. Right now, Tiger is the Anthony Weiner of golf.
  • Weiner’s media conference was kind of bizarre, in that, in the face of all that heckling, the man who posted crotch shots on the internet came across as, well, dignified. The conference reminded me of one of my all time favourite political hecklings. Poor Ben Konop, who ran for mayor of Toledo. While trying to address the media, some goofball who looked like one of the Klopek’s from the movie “the ‘Burbs” kept riding Ben from a chair on his porch. The video is here.

FINAL THOUGHT

“Woofstock” was held in Toronto last weekend. Bunch of long-haired Shih Tzus and their rock and roll and their peace and free love crap. Get a haircut, you hippies!

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL, click here[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Balsillie, Weiner and the PM’s Kitten

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

Congressman Anthony Weiner pauses during his media conference to…good god! He’s not taking another picture, is he?
  • Congressman Anthony Weiner was exposed this week. No, wait. Congressman Anthony Weiner’s private life was laid bare this week. No, hang on. Congressman Anthony Weiner was hung out to… oh, the hell with it. You know the story. One of the people Congressman Weiner apologized to was Bill Clinton. For bringing the Democratic Party a measure of embarrassment? Or for not having the courage to show his crotch in person, in his office, as befits the party standard set by Bill in the 90’s? By the way, please stop calling this “Weinergate.” Because, if he had a gate on his wiener, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Actor Alec Baldwin has come to Weiner’s defense, with a sympathetic blog entry on the Huffington Post website. Now, I don’t want to accuse Baldwin of protesting too much, but, I sure hope that Pete Shweddy, himself, has not gotten his iphone a little too close to his Christmas treats.
Stanley, the Prime Minister’s new cat, refused to take any questions at his first media conference.

 

  • The Prime Minister’s kitten has a name. After a Facebook vote, it was decided the kitty’s name would be Stanley, in honour of the Vancouver Canucks’ pursuit of the Stanley Cup. The NHL has invoiced the PM a $10, 000.00 bill, for naming rights. I understand it’ll be paid out of Tony Clement’s G8 discretionary fund. Stanley is doing well, already being offered a pundit’s position on a SUN TV panel show.
  • The Senate Page who held up a “Stop Harper” sign during the Throne Speech lost her job. Why fire her? The poor girl was merely referring to rumours she’d heard that the PM was going to sing in public again. Just thinking public service, nothing more.
  • Sarah Palin supporters hit wikipedia, this week, and edited the story of Paul Revere in order to reflect her somewhat skewed version of his place in American history. No wonder that, for a short period of time, his page quoted him as yelling: “The Beatles are coming! The Beatles are coming!” Now, he wouldn’t have been wrong, had he bellowed that. Just way ahead of his time.

SPORTS

“Yes, Biff…I mean…Mr. Bettman. Two coats of wax, yes sir.”
  • Forbes Magazine says Jim Balsillie has been assured by the NHL that he’ll be given a team in the near future, if he “behaves” and doesn’t cause any embarrassing situations for the league. Maybe they should start him off with a puppy, first,  and see how he does with that. Actually, a goldfish. Goldfish, hamster, puppy, pony and then an NHL team.When you think about it, Balsillie ought to get the Masterton Trophy. Tried Pittsburgh. Failed. Tried Nashville. Failed. Tried Phoenix. Failed. He’ll try again. Now that’s perseverance, sports fans.
  • Former NFL receiver Plaxico Burress was released from jail this week, after serving a couple of years on a gun charge. I think he’d look good in an Argo uniform. Not as good as he did in a prison uniform, but pretty good. Burress would get a lot of respect on CFL fields, I think. Defensive Backs would give him quite a cushion, just in case he’s packing. If he were a quarterback, sure, I’d have a joke about the shotgun formation here.
    Tim Thomas’ beard: The quicker picker-upper.
  • Been told that the NHL has reached a deal with BP. When the Stanley Cup Playoffs are over, Tim Thomas’ beard will be turned over to the oil company so it can be used to soak up future spills in the Gulf.

SOME OTHER STUFF

  • Love it every time I see that Speedy Auto glass commercial on TV, where the two buddies are driving along and a stone chips the guy’s windshield. The passenger whips out his phone and hits speed dial on the cell to get ahold of a Speedy service centre. Really? Speedy Auto Glass is on his speed dial? Umm, what asteroid belt does he drive through each day during his commute to work to create the necessity of having a windshield repair outlet on speed dial?!
  • A Burlington man was caught driving in the HOV lane on the QEW with a blow up doll in the passenger seat. “But officer, what Tina and I have IS real, so she should count. Besides, the driver’s side airbag doesn’t work, so I have her straddle me when I see danger up ahead.”
  • Here’s an entertainment story that caught my eye in METRO, the commuter paper. “After months of bitter negotiations, Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Brooke Mueller have reportedly reached an agreement for custody of their twin sons, Bob and Max, according to Us Weekly. The two are said to be “satisfied” with the new terms, which weren’t disclosed.” I can only hope that by “the two,” they mean Bob and Max. And by “satisfied,” they mean that custody was granted to someone other than Charlie or Brooke.

FINAL THOUGHT

It was Prince’s birthday, earlier this week. I hear his birthday cake had a delicious centre. It was a raspberry sorbet.

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Changebook, Shaq And “Pull My Finger…With Your Teeth”

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

  • A new parliamentary session began this week. I envision the unbridled joy of all the rookie MPs, as they run across the lawn, toward the Centre Block entrance, much the same way those little kids ran gaily through the meadow at the start of Little House (of Commons) on the Prairie. Now, which of these youngin’s is the Melissa Gilbert of the group and will grow up to become a powerful political force? By the way, if you haven’t had a gander at the Top-secret Rookie MP Handbook, click here to see it.
  • Straight away, the House was vibrating with the excitement of the election of a new Speaker. Okay, “vibrating” is a bit of a stretch, unless you count the members’ blackberries constantly going off with messages from their spouses saying “when are you coming home? How long does this have to take!?” SIX ballots were needed to make this decision. At any rate, congratulations, Andrew Scheer. Enjoy that big, comfy seat. You’re 32 years old, so, bring some new ideas to the job. I suggest a super-soaker, to be used at any time, on any member who’s out of order. Or, even just droning on and on about some kind of procedural drudgery. Fill that super-soaker with coyote urine, for real disciplinary weight.
The Provincial Tories Changebook logo. Will Jesse Eisenberg star in a movie about Mark Zuckerberg suing them to recoup the money he lost to the Winklevoss twins?
  • The provincial Tories unleashed – er, unveiled, their election platform last weekend, in a little publication called “Changebook.” Really? “Changebook?” I hear if you sign up, instead of a “poke” button, there’s a “Vote” button. If Tim Hudak really believes he can, as Premier, cut taxes by $3.5 billion AND replace the $16 billion deficit with a $1 billion surplus by 2018, then he’s Mark Suckerberg. Still, it’ll be some exciting if they’re able to change their relationship status from “opposition” to “government” on October 6th. If they win a minority, they’ll have to settle for “it’s complicated.”
  • Well, we’re into it. A postal strike. So, is anyone able to read this blog, or is it stuck in a mailroom somewhere at the sorting station? I’m not really sure how computer technology works. I remember when a postal strike could stop the nation and lead to great, great consternation among the masses. Now, the only “great great” anything affected by a strike are the grandparents who still use the mail regularly. By the way, if you read the line “stop the nation and lead to great, great consternation among the masses” aloud to one of them, they’ll likely reply: “What? Oh, yes, yes. Great, great constipation if you eat too much molasses.”

POP CULTURE

Me, in high school. Yes, I knew Ally Sheedy.
  • Had CBC News on in the background the other day, when the anchor threw to a commercial with this teaser: “If you’re sitting at your keyboard, contemplating a hack attack on the Pentagon’s computer systems, you’d better think again.” I immediately stopped attempting to hack the Pentagon’s computer systems. And all I wanted to do was play a quick round of “Global Thermonuclear War.” Either the CBC has a pretty high opinion of its viewers, or pretty low. Not sure which.

 

  • Conrad Black’s appeal was denied by the U.S. Supreme Court. I agree with the decision, as I’ve never seen the appeal.
William Shatner boldly wears what no man has, at least boldly, worn before.
  • William Shatner received an honourary degree from McGill University. Travesty. Everyone knows that , if anybody deserves and honourary doctorate, it’s Bones, not Kirk. As a young man, Shatner attended McGill, earning a commerce degree. I hear that was a bit of a surprise, since he wasn’t much on attending classes, as indicated in the nickname his chums gave him: “T.J. Hooky.”
  • Black Eyed Peas’ singer Fergie received a perfume award this week. The “Fifi” was given to her for her fragrance “Outspoken.” It got the Fifi for “New Celebrity Fragrance Of The Year.” The Fifi for new non-celebrity fragrance went to someone you’ve never heard of and don’t want to smell like anyway.

SPORTS

  • So, some guy in Los Angeles decided catching a ball was a little more important than protecting his kid. Have a look. Drops the kid as the ball approaches. Yes, the guy’s a dork for doing this. Everybody knows that if you’re holding your toddler at a game and a baseball comes rocketing toward you, you then use the child as a human shield. Kid either mans up and catches the thing, or gets plunked, and, that’s a life lesson.
  • Shaquille O’Neal announced his retirement, this week, on Twitter. Or is that Kwitter?
  • O’Neal’s basketball career, as great as it was, just got in the way of acting projects. Curious to see how good he is, now that he can concentrate solely on his true craft. Can’t wait. Just so you know, if there was such a thing as a sarcasm key on a computer keyboard, I’d have been pressing it that whole time.
Vancouver Canucks’ forward Alex Burrows: A simple misunderstanding?
  • The NHL decided NOT to discipline Canucks’ forward Alex Burrows for allegedly biting Patrice Bergeron’s finger during some pushing and shoving after a whistle. Guess they bought his argument that he was only trying to “smell the glove.” Actually, the league decided there wasn’t enough evidence to proceed against Burrows. Right. He didn’t bite Bergeron’s finger. This was just another one of those annoying pro hockey after-the-whistle scrums where the players gather around in close quarters and suck, erotically, on each others fingers. Just part of the NHL’s attempt to be more sexy, is all.

Final Thought

If I’m driving along and I see Bono on the side of the road hitchhiking, do I stop and pick him up? Yes. Because then Bono would owe me a favour. And I’m pretty sure he can get tickets to George Stoumboulopoulos Tonight, right?

 

[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Bush, Bettman, Flutie, and Popsicle Sticks

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

  • If this Winnipeg deal ever gets done, I’ve some ideas as to how Gary Bettman should make his grand re-entrance to Winnipeg. If he wants to keep it simple, may I suggest he just step onto the escalator at the airport and, as he descends, spread his arms wide and bellow “I’m back, baby! Miss me?” Parachuting in to Portage and Main would be way cool, but would come with the possible hazard of the good folk of Winnipeg converging and beating the living hell out of him for taking their team away in the first place. Best to keep one’s distance. So, being carried to the dais at the media conference, in a giant egg, and bursting forth in latex would seem to be the ticket. It would prove he’s hip with the pop culture of the day, and also keep him protected from the masses for as long as possible.

  • While watching Hockey Night in Canada, I heard the comment that Wayne Gretzky was one of the best ever at dumping the puck in. High praise, indeed. Got me to thinking: What other superstars were really good at mundane sports chores? For my money, nobody in the history of baseball issued an intentional walk better than Nolan Ryan. I’ve never seen a quarterback take a knee like Doug Flutie. I know, I know, Joe Montana was really good at it, too. I just think Flutie was a little better. No argument about this one: No racer ever followed a pace car like Mario Andretti.

POLITICS

  • Just another reason to bemoan the passing of Donald Trump’s presidential ambition: Trump/Busey would have been one hell of a ticket. Had they actually won, Gary Busey would have become probably the 2nd craziest Vice President in U.S. history, right behind Dick Cheney.

  • The NDP trotted out its “shadow cabinet” this week. Or, as the Tories call it, “cute.” Leader Jack Layton has vowed that his team will not heckle government speakers. But, I didn’t hear him rule out dressing in orange spandex bodysuits and dancing up on them.

  • Bob Rae accepted the job of Interim Liberal Leader. He was, at a caucus meeting, asked  if he had any skeletons in his closet. He joked: “I said I don’t have any skeletons in my cupboard; they’re in my living room.” Actually, there are skeletons littering most ridings across Canada, all wearing “Ignatieff 2011” buttons.

POP CULTURE

  • So long, Oprah. Your extended goodbye was so long. So… so… long.
  • There’s the growing notion that China’s factories are feeling the energy squeeze and that some of them are becoming too expensive to run. Global Sticks, manufacturer of wooden popsicle sticks, is relocating from China, to Thunder Bay.I just hope they’re not ever bought out by one of those fancy-dan composite popsicle stick manufacturers. Call me old school, but I like my popsicles on good ol’ sticks of wood, not those crappy, new-fangled carbon fibre deals. Sure, they’re lighter and make it easier to lift a popsicle to your mouth, but they shatter too easily when you try to bust your popsicle in half on the counter. Not to mention that $49.95 seems a little steep for a popsicle.

    A worker at Harpo Productions cat naps on some of the materials used to build Oprah’s self-indulgence.
  • Porter Airlines can dress up their little raccoon mascot all they want. It’s just like a defence attorney getting his client a haircut and new suit before trial. Because, no matter how often I see their commercial with that respectable, well-behaved raccoon walking through the terminal in a suit and tie and carrying a briefcase, I know – I KNOW- that little felon dumped my green bin all over my front yard before the airport limo came by to pick him up.
  • Bob Dylan turned 70 this week. Apparently, friends took him to Dairy Queen to celebrate with an ice cream cake. It was there that Dylan told the young woman behind the counter: “Ya gotta soft-serve somebody.”

 

FINAL THOUGHT

People in Toronto won’t cheer for the Vancouver Canucks because the west dumps on Toronto all the time. Because of this, people in Vancouver will dump on Toronto. Because of that, people in Toronto won’t root for the Canucks. Because of that… (cue Elton john singing “Circle of Life.”)

 

[box border=”full”]Previously, in THE NUTSHELL[/box]

 

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