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In this episode, Bill and Don try to wrap their heads around the Boston Bruins’ bar tab, discuss Roger Ebert’s ill-timed tweet and talk about Toronto’s status as an also-ran sports town. As well, Don’s excitement about the Royal Visit and a discussion about internet “shaming.”
Word is, 6 Boston Bruins ran up a bar tab of $156,679.74 at a Stanley Cup party at a place called Foxwoods Casino, Saturday night. A picture of what’s purported to be the bar tab from that night, is making the rounds. See below.
Apparently, the tab included a $100,000.00 bottle of champagne. A $100,000.00 bottle of champagne. Unless it can be verified that this champagne was, in fact, made from the blood of Christ himself, I believe it’s got to be a tad over priced. As well, I don’t see any food charges on this tab. Boys, boys, boys. At least a tray of nachos to soak up a little of that poison. I guess if you’re going to spend a hundred thousand dollars on a bottle of champagne, you don’t want anything standing between it and your bloodstream.
The “service charge” on this bill, alone, was almost $25,000.00. Because, when you order a $100k bottle of champagne, I’m guessing, it is served to you by a singing and dancing Rihanna.
It should be noted, that, among the bar items on this bill, were some bottles of Bud Light. Because premium beer is expensive.
According to “Irish Central” (seriously), the six Bruins involved were: Zdeno Chara, Tim Thomas, Shawn Thornton, Milan Lucic, Patrice Bergeron and Brad Marchand. Ha. Enjoy picking up THAT, tab, rookie.
FINAL THOUGHT
“Woofstock” was held in Toronto last weekend. Bunch of long-haired Shih Tzus and their rock and roll and their peace and free love crap. Get a haircut, you hippies!
[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL, click here[/box]
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The guys talk about Stanley Cup ticket prices, The selling of Toronto subway stations and Anthony Weiner’s fall.
We get the same thing every year. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman walks out amidst a chorus of mostly boos, grabs the mic like he’s a principal about to admonish an unruly assembly crowd, and quickly and without much pomp or circumstance, hands over The Cup. Then gets the hell out.
We need something new. Fresh. Exciting. We need the attention-grabbing daring of Lady Gaga. The head turning style of Michael Buble. The “what the hell?” quality of a Kardashian YouTube video.
Here are a few suggestions. 7 cool ways the Commissioner could present the Stanley Cup:
1. Lights dim. The strains of “Phantom Of The Opera” blare. A single spotlight hits an upper corner of the arena. Out of a massive cloud of dry ice, there, in a cape and a half Gerry Cheevers mask, The Commish emerges. With a bellowing, evil laugh (the kind usually reserved for a thwarting of Jim Balsillie), he tucks the Cup under an arm, grabs a rope with the other, and swoops down to centre ice.
2. The players gather at the Zamboni entrance, lined up on either side of it. They drop their sticks, take off their gloves and start clapping in time with the music. That music? “Footloose,” by Kenny Loggins. Out comes Mr. Bettman, in acid washed jeans, white shirt and skinny tie, perfectly mimicking Kevin Bacon’s incredible mid-eighties dance moves. All the way to centre ice. Not necessary, but pretty great, would be to get John Lithgow to stand at the end of the line in minister’s garb, arms folded, shaking his head in disgust.
3. Bettman doesn’t present the Cup at all. Instead, Charlie Sheen, drives a Zamboni out, complete with gaggle of his “goddesses” as passengers. After a short, meandering tour of the ice, the Zamboni slams into the boards, knocking everyone off. They scramble to their feet, and start to stagger toward centre ice, sliding the cup along the ice. Sheen throws up in the Cup, points to the victorious captain and says “winning.”
4. In a nod to the top-of-mind status of Anthony Weiner, the Commish strides to centre wearing flip-flops and a towel. The Cup is there waiting for him. He smiles, devilishly, then sticks it between his legs, takes a picture with his iPhone and immediately posts the shot to Twitter. Then announces: “We have a wiener!” Congratulations Vancouver/Boston!”
5. Dressed like Moses, the Commish slowly, stoically, makes his way toward the players gathered at centre ice. He’s carrying two stone tablets. As the camera zooms in, we see that the tablets have the NHL’s constantly changing headshot rules carved into them. He puts them down, picks up a composite hockey stick from the pile nearby. He waves it slowly, and the players part, the Stanley Cup appearing in the middle of them. Of course, the stick breaks as he does this.
6. Royal Wedding theme. The Cup, in a bridal veil and mini-dress with a long train. The Commish in a Prince William uniform knock-off. Or the other way around, if you prefer. A carriage ride to centre ice. Carrie Underwood as Pippa, following dutifully behind the Cup, carrying the tail end of it’s train. Prince Harry, played by…well..who else but Sean Avery? Peter Mansbridge narrates.
7. Salute to Seal Team 6. The Commish, in full commando gear, is juggled and nose-bounced by a line of 6 actual seals towards a mini compound-like structure at centre ice. Gary kicks in the door, the walls fall down and we see an Osama look-a-like sitting on the floor with the Stanley Cup in his grasp. The Commissioner fires a few paintball rounds into him and secures the Cup, as well as “Osama’s” DVD collection. He announces that the discs are “NHL 2010-2011 highlight DVD’s, now available at NHL.com!”
Honourable mentions as themes: Jersey Shore. Bettman in drag as Snooki, guzzling a margarita from the Cup. Star Wars. Take the base off the Cup, and the Commissioner can wear it, like he’s R2-D2. And “Enchantment Under The Sea.” Of course.
[box border=”full”]To see Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg quotes translated, click here.[/box]
Big sensation on the internet for a bit, as the following photo of Lebron James had some convinced the big guy had six toes on his right foot.
A spokesperson was quick to squash the story, saying that it was just an optical illusion, or some fancy photoshopping. Lebron does not have a triple-double on his right foot. James’ toes were strangely silent on the matter. Wait a sec, they’re toes, so, that’s not that strange after all.
I’m more concerned with teammate Mike Miller’s feet being completely covered by towels. My god, what the hell is HE hiding?!
It was Prince’s birthday, earlier this week. I hear his birthday cake had a delicious centre. It was a raspberry sorbet.
[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]
Kind of an odd thing, that media conference held after the Auditor General’s report on the G8/20 Summit spending was released. For a healthy portion of it, John Baird played Kevin Costner to Tony Clement’s Whitney Houston. I half expected Baird to pick Tony up at the end of it and whisk him away from the dangers of the clamouring hordes around the podium, and to the safety and serenity of an isolated cabin in cottage country. A cottage country that has waaaay smoother pavement in Clement’s riding, by the way.
Time after time, Baird stepped in front of Clement and intercepted questions intended for the President of the Treasury Board, as though he were about to take a bullet for his friend. Which he did, I guess, in a metaphoric way, insisting that he take responsibility for the slings and arrows directed at the Tories over the AG’s report. Over and over, he repeated that he “accepted” the report and took responsibility for it. It’s great to do that when you have a majority and will not in any way be punished by anyone other than CBC’s Terry Milewski. Milewski, at times, seems to be the real Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition. He did parry with Baird for a few moments, before the Minister of Foreign Affairs decided he’d had enough of the veteran reporter’s line of questioning, and dismissed him with a curt rejection of the premise.
As far as anything substantial coming of this; not too likely, is it? Once again, John Baird has stoically stepped in front of (this time literally) a wounded member of the government’s family. That merely endears him to the PM even more. And he was already daddy’s favourite. So, no docking of the allowance, even.
There will be hue and cry, lingering for days, maybe even weeks. But when you’re on a majority steamship, there isn’t a wave or iceberg mighty enough to do more than scratch the hull.
Still, if the Conservatives get annoyed by the dogged determination of Melewski and the like, and want the attention this issue is garnering to disappear, there’s an easy out. Just get a back-bencher to Twitter-link a picture of their crotch. What are rookies for?
[box border=”full”]Click here for Jim Flaherty’s Budget Speech, translated[/box]
The Federal Government tabled (again) it’s budget for 2011, today. What follows is a collection of key quotes from Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s speech to The House, followed by my interpretation of each:
“Mr. Speaker, I rise today to table once again before this House Budget 2011: A Low-Tax Plan for Jobs and Growth.” – Please don’t look at my feet. It’s summer and I decided the traditional new shoes would be sandals. But, I didn’t have time to get a pedicure.
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty: “I also have copies of the screenplay I’ve been working on. Anyone…anyone?”
“Today I am presenting the essential commitments our Government made on March 22.” – This is pretty cool. Since we now have a majority, all I had to do was pretty much photocopy the March budget, and have Bev Oda do a couple of edits.
“Canadians said yes to a disciplined and measured plan to control government spending and eliminate the deficit.” – Good luck trying to get a grant for your punk band now.
“We humbly thank Canadians for the trust they placed in us last month.” – Thanks for giving us cart blanche for the next four years. We’re about to get all Tom Cruise – in – ‘Risky Business’ – like.
“Through their votes last month, their voices have been heard and they said “yea” to the economic plan that was put before them.” – Actually, most people said: “Don’t bug me, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are on.”
“In the still-uncertain global climate, many businesses may remain hesitant to hire and expand.” – Just remember, if none of this works, it’s not our fault.
“Mr. Speaker, in the Year of the Entrepreneur, we are creating the environment for the private sector to invest again, and take its rightful place as the engine of the Canadian economy.” – I’m about to gut the public sector like a sockeye salmon.
“The cornerstone of the budget tabled before you today, just like the one tabled on March 22, is strong fiscal management. ” – Please don’t bring up the fighter jets. Please don’t bring up the fighter jets. Please don’t bring up the fighter jets.
“That budget included a Strategic and Operating Review designed to realize substantial savings through greater efficiency and effectiveness.” – We could more efficiently and effectively continue to pound the Liberal Party by cutting off their allowance.
“Part of helping hard-working Canadians, of course, is keeping their taxes low as they try to make ends meet.” – It’s hard work lugging a briefcase around everyday. And it’s tough to balance the family budget when you have a home and staff in Barbados to maintain.
“To provide greater support to those seniors most in need, we will provide a top-up benefit to the Guaranteed Income Supplement. This is an affordable new measure that will provide up to $600 extra per year for single seniors and up to $840 per year for senior couples.” – We’ll claw that back with taxes on denture adhesive and stair-glides.
“It is my hope that the members of this House will now move quickly to implement this job-creating plan.” – We have a majority. Bite me.
“Mr. Speaker, it’s time to get back to work.” – Kegger at Baird’s house.
[box border=”full”]Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg Quotes Translated[/box]
[box border=”full”]Unveiled: Rookie MP Guidebook, part 1 [/box]
If I’m driving along and I see Bono on the side of the road hitchhiking, do I stop and pick him up? Yes. Because then Bono would owe me a favour. And I’m pretty sure he can get tickets to George Stoumboulopoulos Tonight, right?
[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]
