Monthly Archives: June 2011

OMHA Parade Of Champions 2011

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The 13th annual OMHA Parade of Champions was held, today, at the Sheraton Parkway Hotel, in Richmond Hill. Once again, it was my great honour to Co-Emcee the event, along with the talented and gracious Andy Frost (Q-107, AM 640 and P.A. Announcer for the Toronto Maple Leafs).

The Port Colborne Sailors on the stage at the 2011 OMHA Parade Of Champions. They were winners of the Bantam B title.
Port Colborne Sailors.

 

More than 60 teams, from Novice to Midget, were honoured for their OMHA Championships. From far and wide, they came, to be called to the stage, and celebrated for tremendous feats of teamwork, as well as community service. Some of these kids, parents and coaches drive for hours, for their beautiful moment of glory, as they pose for pictures with their championship banners. It truly is an amazing event, creating memories to be shared for a lifetime. This year, they came from Hamilton and Barrie, from Ajax and Orangeville. They came from Huntsville and Waterford, Sturgeon Lake and Tweed. And a dozen, or so, other communities in between.

Congratulations to the players, coaches, trainers, hockey moms and dads, and all who contributed to the making of championship seasons. And, top marks to the hard-working members of the OMHA, at all levels, who put on yet another sensational Parade of Champions.

[box border=”full”]To see the 2011 Parade Of Champions, click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To see video of the 2010 Parade Of Champions, click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Balsillie, Weiner and the PM’s Kitten

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

Congressman Anthony Weiner pauses during his media conference to…good god! He’s not taking another picture, is he?
  • Congressman Anthony Weiner was exposed this week. No, wait. Congressman Anthony Weiner’s private life was laid bare this week. No, hang on. Congressman Anthony Weiner was hung out to… oh, the hell with it. You know the story. One of the people Congressman Weiner apologized to was Bill Clinton. For bringing the Democratic Party a measure of embarrassment? Or for not having the courage to show his crotch in person, in his office, as befits the party standard set by Bill in the 90’s? By the way, please stop calling this “Weinergate.” Because, if he had a gate on his wiener, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Actor Alec Baldwin has come to Weiner’s defense, with a sympathetic blog entry on the Huffington Post website. Now, I don’t want to accuse Baldwin of protesting too much, but, I sure hope that Pete Shweddy, himself, has not gotten his iphone a little too close to his Christmas treats.
Stanley, the Prime Minister’s new cat, refused to take any questions at his first media conference.

 

  • The Prime Minister’s kitten has a name. After a Facebook vote, it was decided the kitty’s name would be Stanley, in honour of the Vancouver Canucks’ pursuit of the Stanley Cup. The NHL has invoiced the PM a $10, 000.00 bill, for naming rights. I understand it’ll be paid out of Tony Clement’s G8 discretionary fund. Stanley is doing well, already being offered a pundit’s position on a SUN TV panel show.
  • The Senate Page who held up a “Stop Harper” sign during the Throne Speech lost her job. Why fire her? The poor girl was merely referring to rumours she’d heard that the PM was going to sing in public again. Just thinking public service, nothing more.
  • Sarah Palin supporters hit wikipedia, this week, and edited the story of Paul Revere in order to reflect her somewhat skewed version of his place in American history. No wonder that, for a short period of time, his page quoted him as yelling: “The Beatles are coming! The Beatles are coming!” Now, he wouldn’t have been wrong, had he bellowed that. Just way ahead of his time.

SPORTS

“Yes, Biff…I mean…Mr. Bettman. Two coats of wax, yes sir.”
  • Forbes Magazine says Jim Balsillie has been assured by the NHL that he’ll be given a team in the near future, if he “behaves” and doesn’t cause any embarrassing situations for the league. Maybe they should start him off with a puppy, first,  and see how he does with that. Actually, a goldfish. Goldfish, hamster, puppy, pony and then an NHL team.When you think about it, Balsillie ought to get the Masterton Trophy. Tried Pittsburgh. Failed. Tried Nashville. Failed. Tried Phoenix. Failed. He’ll try again. Now that’s perseverance, sports fans.
  • Former NFL receiver Plaxico Burress was released from jail this week, after serving a couple of years on a gun charge. I think he’d look good in an Argo uniform. Not as good as he did in a prison uniform, but pretty good. Burress would get a lot of respect on CFL fields, I think. Defensive Backs would give him quite a cushion, just in case he’s packing. If he were a quarterback, sure, I’d have a joke about the shotgun formation here.
    Tim Thomas’ beard: The quicker picker-upper.
  • Been told that the NHL has reached a deal with BP. When the Stanley Cup Playoffs are over, Tim Thomas’ beard will be turned over to the oil company so it can be used to soak up future spills in the Gulf.

SOME OTHER STUFF

  • Love it every time I see that Speedy Auto glass commercial on TV, where the two buddies are driving along and a stone chips the guy’s windshield. The passenger whips out his phone and hits speed dial on the cell to get ahold of a Speedy service centre. Really? Speedy Auto Glass is on his speed dial? Umm, what asteroid belt does he drive through each day during his commute to work to create the necessity of having a windshield repair outlet on speed dial?!
  • A Burlington man was caught driving in the HOV lane on the QEW with a blow up doll in the passenger seat. “But officer, what Tina and I have IS real, so she should count. Besides, the driver’s side airbag doesn’t work, so I have her straddle me when I see danger up ahead.”
  • Here’s an entertainment story that caught my eye in METRO, the commuter paper. “After months of bitter negotiations, Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Brooke Mueller have reportedly reached an agreement for custody of their twin sons, Bob and Max, according to Us Weekly. The two are said to be “satisfied” with the new terms, which weren’t disclosed.” I can only hope that by “the two,” they mean Bob and Max. And by “satisfied,” they mean that custody was granted to someone other than Charlie or Brooke.

FINAL THOUGHT

It was Prince’s birthday, earlier this week. I hear his birthday cake had a delicious centre. It was a raspberry sorbet.

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]

The Bodyguard, Starring Baird and Clement

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The soundtrack to today’s media conference is available on itunes.

Kind of an odd thing, that media conference held after the Auditor General’s report on the G8/20 Summit spending was released. For a healthy portion of it, John Baird played Kevin Costner to Tony Clement’s Whitney Houston. I half expected Baird to pick Tony up at the end of it and whisk him away from the dangers of the clamouring hordes around the podium, and to the safety and serenity of an isolated cabin in cottage country. A cottage country that has waaaay smoother pavement in Clement’s riding, by the way.

“Just picture it, Prime Minister. We turn that rock cut into a giant plasma screen TV. You know, for Summit security.”

Time after time, Baird stepped in front of Clement and intercepted questions intended for the President of the Treasury Board, as though he were about to take a bullet for his friend. Which he did, I guess, in a metaphoric way, insisting that he take responsibility for the slings and arrows directed at the Tories over the AG’s report. Over and over, he repeated that he “accepted” the report and took responsibility for it. It’s great to do that when you have a majority and will not in any way be punished by anyone other than CBC’s Terry Milewski. Milewski, at times, seems to be the real Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition. He did parry with Baird for a few moments, before the Minister of Foreign Affairs decided he’d had enough of the veteran reporter’s line of questioning, and dismissed him with a curt rejection of the premise.

As far as anything substantial coming of this; not too likely, is it? Once again, John Baird has stoically stepped in front of (this time literally) a wounded member of the government’s family. That merely endears him to the PM even more. And he was already daddy’s favourite. So, no docking of the allowance, even.

There will be hue and cry, lingering for days, maybe even weeks. But when you’re on a majority steamship, there isn’t a wave or iceberg mighty enough to do more than scratch the hull.

Still, if the Conservatives get annoyed by the dogged determination of Melewski and the like, and want the attention this issue is garnering to disappear, there’s an easy out. Just get a back-bencher to Twitter-link a picture of their crotch. What are rookies for?

[box border=”full”]Click here for Jim Flaherty’s Budget Speech, translated[/box]

 

Jim Flaherty’s Budget Speech Translated

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The Federal Government tabled (again) it’s budget for 2011, today. What follows is a collection of key quotes from Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s speech to The House, followed by my interpretation of each:

“Mr. Speaker, I rise today to table once again before this House Budget 2011: A Low-Tax Plan for Jobs and Growth.” – Please don’t look at my feet. It’s summer and I decided the traditional new shoes would be sandals. But, I didn’t have time to get a pedicure.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty: “I also have copies of the screenplay I’ve been working on. Anyone…anyone?”

“Today I am presenting the essential commitments our Government made on March 22.” – This is pretty cool. Since we now have a majority, all I had to do was pretty much photocopy the March budget, and have Bev Oda do a couple of edits.

“Canadians said yes to a disciplined and measured plan to control government spending and eliminate the deficit.” – Good luck trying to get a grant for your punk band now.

“We humbly thank Canadians for the trust they placed in us last month.” –  Thanks for giving us cart blanche for the next four years. We’re about to get all Tom Cruise – in – ‘Risky Business’ – like.

“Through their votes last month, their voices have been heard and they said “yea” to the economic plan that was put before them.” – Actually, most people said: “Don’t bug me, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are on.”

“In the still-uncertain global climate, many businesses may remain hesitant to hire and expand.” – Just remember, if none of this works, it’s not our fault.

“Mr. Speaker, in the Year of the Entrepreneur, we are creating the environment for the private sector to invest again, and take its rightful place as the engine of the Canadian economy.” – I’m about to gut the public sector like a sockeye salmon.

“The cornerstone of the budget tabled before you today, just like the one tabled on March 22, is strong fiscal management. ” – Please don’t bring up the fighter jets. Please don’t bring up the fighter jets. Please don’t bring up the fighter jets.

“That budget included a Strategic and Operating Review designed to realize substantial savings through greater efficiency and effectiveness.” – We could more efficiently and effectively continue to pound the Liberal Party by cutting off their allowance.

“Part of helping hard-working Canadians, of course, is keeping their taxes low as they try to make ends meet.” – It’s hard work lugging a briefcase around everyday. And it’s tough to balance the family budget when you have a home and staff in Barbados to maintain.

“To provide greater support to those seniors most in need, we will provide a top-up benefit to the Guaranteed Income Supplement. This is an affordable new measure that will provide up to $600 extra per year for single seniors and up to $840 per year for senior couples.” – We’ll claw that back with taxes on denture adhesive and stair-glides.

“It is my hope that the members of this House will now move quickly to implement this job-creating plan.” – We have a majority. Bite me.

“Mr. Speaker, it’s time to get back to work.” – Kegger at Baird’s house.

 

[box border=”full”]Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg Quotes Translated[/box]

 

[box border=”full”]Unveiled: Rookie MP Guidebook, part 1 [/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Changebook, Shaq And “Pull My Finger…With Your Teeth”

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A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

  • A new parliamentary session began this week. I envision the unbridled joy of all the rookie MPs, as they run across the lawn, toward the Centre Block entrance, much the same way those little kids ran gaily through the meadow at the start of Little House (of Commons) on the Prairie. Now, which of these youngin’s is the Melissa Gilbert of the group and will grow up to become a powerful political force? By the way, if you haven’t had a gander at the Top-secret Rookie MP Handbook, click here to see it.
  • Straight away, the House was vibrating with the excitement of the election of a new Speaker. Okay, “vibrating” is a bit of a stretch, unless you count the members’ blackberries constantly going off with messages from their spouses saying “when are you coming home? How long does this have to take!?” SIX ballots were needed to make this decision. At any rate, congratulations, Andrew Scheer. Enjoy that big, comfy seat. You’re 32 years old, so, bring some new ideas to the job. I suggest a super-soaker, to be used at any time, on any member who’s out of order. Or, even just droning on and on about some kind of procedural drudgery. Fill that super-soaker with coyote urine, for real disciplinary weight.
The Provincial Tories Changebook logo. Will Jesse Eisenberg star in a movie about Mark Zuckerberg suing them to recoup the money he lost to the Winklevoss twins?
  • The provincial Tories unleashed – er, unveiled, their election platform last weekend, in a little publication called “Changebook.” Really? “Changebook?” I hear if you sign up, instead of a “poke” button, there’s a “Vote” button. If Tim Hudak really believes he can, as Premier, cut taxes by $3.5 billion AND replace the $16 billion deficit with a $1 billion surplus by 2018, then he’s Mark Suckerberg. Still, it’ll be some exciting if they’re able to change their relationship status from “opposition” to “government” on October 6th. If they win a minority, they’ll have to settle for “it’s complicated.”
  • Well, we’re into it. A postal strike. So, is anyone able to read this blog, or is it stuck in a mailroom somewhere at the sorting station? I’m not really sure how computer technology works. I remember when a postal strike could stop the nation and lead to great, great consternation among the masses. Now, the only “great great” anything affected by a strike are the grandparents who still use the mail regularly. By the way, if you read the line “stop the nation and lead to great, great consternation among the masses” aloud to one of them, they’ll likely reply: “What? Oh, yes, yes. Great, great constipation if you eat too much molasses.”

POP CULTURE

Me, in high school. Yes, I knew Ally Sheedy.
  • Had CBC News on in the background the other day, when the anchor threw to a commercial with this teaser: “If you’re sitting at your keyboard, contemplating a hack attack on the Pentagon’s computer systems, you’d better think again.” I immediately stopped attempting to hack the Pentagon’s computer systems. And all I wanted to do was play a quick round of “Global Thermonuclear War.” Either the CBC has a pretty high opinion of its viewers, or pretty low. Not sure which.

 

  • Conrad Black’s appeal was denied by the U.S. Supreme Court. I agree with the decision, as I’ve never seen the appeal.
William Shatner boldly wears what no man has, at least boldly, worn before.
  • William Shatner received an honourary degree from McGill University. Travesty. Everyone knows that , if anybody deserves and honourary doctorate, it’s Bones, not Kirk. As a young man, Shatner attended McGill, earning a commerce degree. I hear that was a bit of a surprise, since he wasn’t much on attending classes, as indicated in the nickname his chums gave him: “T.J. Hooky.”
  • Black Eyed Peas’ singer Fergie received a perfume award this week. The “Fifi” was given to her for her fragrance “Outspoken.” It got the Fifi for “New Celebrity Fragrance Of The Year.” The Fifi for new non-celebrity fragrance went to someone you’ve never heard of and don’t want to smell like anyway.

SPORTS

  • So, some guy in Los Angeles decided catching a ball was a little more important than protecting his kid. Have a look. Drops the kid as the ball approaches. Yes, the guy’s a dork for doing this. Everybody knows that if you’re holding your toddler at a game and a baseball comes rocketing toward you, you then use the child as a human shield. Kid either mans up and catches the thing, or gets plunked, and, that’s a life lesson.
  • Shaquille O’Neal announced his retirement, this week, on Twitter. Or is that Kwitter?
  • O’Neal’s basketball career, as great as it was, just got in the way of acting projects. Curious to see how good he is, now that he can concentrate solely on his true craft. Can’t wait. Just so you know, if there was such a thing as a sarcasm key on a computer keyboard, I’d have been pressing it that whole time.
Vancouver Canucks’ forward Alex Burrows: A simple misunderstanding?
  • The NHL decided NOT to discipline Canucks’ forward Alex Burrows for allegedly biting Patrice Bergeron’s finger during some pushing and shoving after a whistle. Guess they bought his argument that he was only trying to “smell the glove.” Actually, the league decided there wasn’t enough evidence to proceed against Burrows. Right. He didn’t bite Bergeron’s finger. This was just another one of those annoying pro hockey after-the-whistle scrums where the players gather around in close quarters and suck, erotically, on each others fingers. Just part of the NHL’s attempt to be more sexy, is all.

Final Thought

If I’m driving along and I see Bono on the side of the road hitchhiking, do I stop and pick him up? Yes. Because then Bono would owe me a favour. And I’m pretty sure he can get tickets to George Stoumboulopoulos Tonight, right?

 

[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

NHL Discipline: Time For Big Changes

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Players Association Must Take More Responsibility

The NHL has a chance to do things a little differently, now. If they so choose.

With the announcement that chief disciplinarian Colin Campbell is stepping down from that portion of his duties (he’ll apparently stay on with the league as Senior Vice President of Hockey Operations), the league can choose this decision as a catalyst towards something completely different, when it comes to player suspensions and fines.

I’ll suggest something radical: Get out of the suspension and fine business almost entirely.

Colin Campbell is stepping back from a thankless job.

It’s not that I advocate a frontier mentality in the NHL. Far from it. It’s just that I believe the most effective way for players to police themselves and dole out appropriate punishment is to have their own association do it for them. It seems to me that, over the years, the NHLPA has exerted an enormous amount of time, energy, and other resources, to protect the rights of players being penalized by the league’s head office. That’s laudable, but flawed.

The players’ association should be in the business of protecting ALL players. Not just from the big bad wolves on the Board of Governors, but also from themselves. In every disciplinary scenario that’s played out over the life of the NHLPA, the union has represented the offender to the hilt, with little or no consideration given to the injured player who suffered the brunt of the action that landed the offending player on the carpet in the first place. Arguments have been made with the goal of ensuring the offender misses as little action as possible, loses as little money as possible. That would constantly leave the injured player with not much of a voice at all, as league officials acted in the best interests of the game only. The GAME only.

Imagine a hockey world where supplemental discipline was triggered by league officials but then handed over to the Players’ Association to mete out punishment. This would still give the league a voice when it comes to incidents it deemed harmful to the game. They deserve some, after all. But the NHL, throughout its history, has shown very little stomach for a fight with the NHLPA, when it comes to increasing the length of suspensions, and the value of fines. That’s at least partly because of the NHLPA’s antagonistic stance against all things management – related.

So. We take the final decisions on suspensions and fines out of the league’s hands, and hand it to the Players’ Association. The Association is forced (or would be, in an amended players constitution) to consider the (about to be) suspended player’s rights as well as the rights of the victimized player. That player would have a voice in the proceedings as well. If you think about it, that’s not so radical in the real world, just the NHL’s. In most unions, if you have a serious problem in the workplace with a fellow employee, you can file a grievance and have that grievance heard by the union. And the other employee, equally, would have a chance to defend that grievance.

That kind of equal representation is conspicuously absent, in the National Hockey League. Oh, the NHLPA will pay lip service to the needs of a player sitting at home in a darkened room, trying to remember what day it is. They’ll tsk tsk about the situation and publicly decry the action that put that player in a concussed state, but they won’t actually do anything about it. No, they’ll save their sweat and muscle for the suits in New York who have the temerity to suggest a two game suspension. Give the victimized player a real voice in the proceedings, with real representation exerting real pressure, and I think you have a real chance at stiffer suspensions. That’s because the NHLPA would have to do everything in its power to ensure all players involved would be treated accordingly.

This can’t happen unilaterally, I know. For now, things will continue they way they have, just with a new NHL judge (Brendan Shanahan) wielding the gavel. But, it’s the perfect time to start the dialogue that can lead to improvement of the quality of pro hockey justice, when the next collective bargaining agreement is ratified.

Click to see: [box border=”full”]Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg Remarks Translated[/box]