Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg Quotes Translated

Posted on May 31, 2011 by Don

Not that I’d ever accuse the Commissioner of the National Hockey League of doublespeak. However, I do believe his keynote address at the media conference announcing the NHL’s return to Winnipeg may have been filled with statements that could use some clarification. What follows, are his direct quotes, followed by my interpretations:

“It is clear that times have changed for Winnipeg as an NHL market and this is a wonderful time to add a club to Canada.” – If the Thrashers deal didn’t get done, there are four or five others we could have dropped in here.

“The NHL has a different economic system that allows the so-called ‘smaller markets’ to compete.” – Due to the free fall of the American dollar because of the incredible mismanagement of the U.S. banking system, we no longer refer to the Canadian dollar as a “Mexican subway token.”

Gary Bettman: “Umm, global warming has made Winnipeg just like Vancouver, right?”

“The NHL is coming off another season of record revenues in both Canada and the United States, and our prospects remain extraordinarily bright.” – With the Canadian dollar flying high, we could move a team to Moose Jaw and make money, if we needed to.

“This venue, the MTS Centre, will be a fine, fine home for an NHL club.” – Did you know there’s a Boston Pizza right in the place?! There’s a Boston Pizza right in the place!!

“And there is the strength of the prospective ownership group.” – I’m hoping to convince David Thomson to buy a few more franchises. Like an art collection.

“…to be candid, this isn’t going to work very well unless this building is sold out every night.” – I know this because I have extensive experience with empty seats. We once…umm..twice..had teams in Atlanta.

“As we have said repeatedly, we don’t like to move franchises. ” – At least, not out of Phoenix.

“As we have said repeatedly, we don’t like to move franchises.” – I don’t own retirement property in Atlanta.

“As we have said repeatedly, we don’t like to move franchises.” – Not my fault. Sometimes franchises let themselves go, stop going to the gym, stop dressing nice for me after a I get home from a hard day of commissioning. Tough love. You’ll thank me later.

“The fans in both cities have been through a lot in the past several weeks and hopefully everyone is now in a position to move forward.” – This doesn’t have to be all weird, right? Let’s be friends, Atlanta.

“We get to be back in a place we wish we hadn’t left in 1996.” – Ya gotta believe me, baby, I’m not the same man! Sure, I left you when you were down on your luck and broke. And, sure, I took the car and all your cd’s…but…but…baby…I’ll never do it again! I’ve chaaaaanged! Come on, now, sugar…I brought you a present….

[box border=”full”]To read MR. BETTMAN, TEAR DOWN THIS LINE, click here. [/box]

Hockey Canada’s New Headshot Rules: Necessary Medicine?

Posted on May 29, 2011 by Don

There’s really no doubt that a person’s head should be treated with the utmost respect when playing any kind of sport. Your own head, yes, and, of course, your opponent’s. Deliberately or recklessly intending to injure an opponent’s head (or any other body part, for that matter) is something, I think, we can all agree, needs to be discouraged. But Hockey Canada’s new rules go beyond punishing reckless players and discouraging that kind of on-ice decision making. At the pro level, I think one of these new rules wouldn’t be at all appropriate. However, in a kids’ game, perhaps it’s necessary as we endeavour to keep our little ones as safe as possible, while they learn and enjoy the game that is every Canadian’s birthright. That rule: A two-minute penalty for accidentally contacting an opponent’s head.

A penalty for an intentional action that ends up having a player’s head contacted makes sense. A penalty for an unintentional action that results in the same thing, at fist blush, seems like punishing a kid for spilling a glass of water on someone the same as you would punish him or her for throwing a glass of water on someone. A consistent march of players to the penalty box for unintentionally knocking an opponent’s head will likely lead to a less-aggressive style of play in minor hockey. Let’s face it, if little Johnny or Jenny is forechecking and in reaching for the puck, accidentally strikes the defenceman in the helmet with their elbow while that defenceman is also reaching for the puck, and is sent to the box for two minutes — well, little Johnny or Jenny may decide that it’s not worth being so aggressive the next time. Certainly if it happens on a number of occasions, the kid’s not going to continue to play with as much aggressiveness. Over a period of time, all the little Johnnys and Jennys have their games shaped in this fashion, and all the other little Johnnys and Jennys out there get a little more room on the ice.

In our pro’s, that’s not the type of hockey we want to see. We like aggressiveness. That’s called hustle. We tend to tolerate errors of commission more than we tolerate errors of omission, in our hockey players. Penalizing pros in a way that Hockey Canada has decided to penalize kids, would make less sense. It might turn the NHL into the equivalent of a touch football league. There’s a very important distinction here. Goal number one in pro hockey is not the same as goal number one in kids’ hockey. In the NHL, it’s to entertain. To thrill. In minor hockey, it’s to keep kids as safe as possible. Fostering a less aggressive style of hockey for youngsters will provide them with a little bit safer atmosphere. Penalizing players for unintentionally putting an opponent’s health at risk is a good thing for 10 year olds. Teaches them, at an early age, that they are indeed responsible for the consequences of their actions, whether those results were intended or not. From that, respect for the dangerous possibilities will be instilled. That respect, once fortified, can form the backbone of a more aggressive game, as they get older and make the jump to competitive junior hockey and on into the pros.

That could lead to a happy development, a generation of players down the road. A return to something that many believe has been long lost in the NHL. Respect. The National Hockey League seems only partially dedicated to, or capable of, its restoration. Continuing to wait for a fix at the top levels of the game seems fruitless. Cultivation at a much lower level, if done reasonably and patiently, may actually lead to some bounty at the pro level, in the future.

THE NUTSHELL: Bush, Bettman, Flutie, and Popsicle Sticks

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Don

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

If this Winnipeg deal ever gets done, I’ve some ideas as to how Gary Bettman should make his grand re-entrance to Winnipeg. If he wants to keep it simple, may I suggest he just step onto the escalator at the airport and, as he descends, spread his arms wide and bellow “I’m back, baby! Miss me?” Parachuting in to Portage and Main would be way cool, but would come with the possible hazard of the good folk of Winnipeg converging and beating the living hell out of him for taking their team away in the first place. Best to keep one’s distance. So, being carried to the dais at the media conference, in a giant egg, and bursting forth in latex would seem to be the ticket. It would prove he’s hip with the pop culture of the day, and also keep him protected from the masses for as long as possible.

Did you see former U.S President George Bush Jr’s reaction to the foul ball hit right at him in Texas the other night? He ducked it like it was an Iraqi shoe. Or a draft notice.

While watching Hockey Night in Canada, I heard the comment that Wayne Gretzky was one of the best ever at dumping the puck in. High praise, indeed. Got me to thinking: What other superstars were really good at mundane sports chores? For my money, nobody in the history of baseball issued an intentional walk better than Nolan Ryan. I’ve never seen a quarterback take a knee like Doug Flutie. I know, I know, Joe Montana was really good at it, too. I just think Flutie was a little better. No argument about this one: No racer ever followed a pace car like Mario Andretti.

POLITICS

Just another reason to bemoan the passing of Donald Trump’s presidential ambition: Trump/Busey would have been one hell of a ticket. Had they actually won, Gary Busey would have become probably the 2nd craziest Vice President in U.S. history, right behind Dick Cheney.

The NDP trotted out its “shadow cabinet” this week. Or, as the Tories call it, “cute.” Leader Jack Layton has vowed that his team will not heckle government speakers. But, I didn’t hear him rule out dressing in orange spandex bodysuits and dancing up on them.

Bob Rae accepted the job of Interim Liberal Leader. He was, at a caucus meeting, asked if he had any skeletons in his closet. He joked: “I said I don’t have any skeletons in my cupboard; they’re in my living room.” Actually, there are skeletons littering most ridings across Canada, all wearing “Ignatieff 2011” buttons.

POP CULTURE

So long, Oprah. Your extended goodbye was so long. So… so… long.

There’s the growing notion that China’s factories are feeling the energy squeeze and that some of them are becoming too expensive to run. Global Sticks, manufacturer of wooden popsicle sticks, is relocating from China, to Thunder Bay.I just hope they’re not ever bought out by one of those fancy-dan composite popsicle stick manufacturers. Call me old school, but I like my popsicles on good ol’ sticks of wood, not those crappy, new-fangled carbon fibre deals. Sure, they’re lighter and make it easier to lift a popsicle to your mouth, but they shatter too easily when you try to bust your popsicle in half on the counter. Not to mention that $49.95 seems a little steep for a popsicle.

A worker at Harpo Productions cat naps on some of the materials used to build Oprah’s self-indulgence.

Porter Airlines can dress up their little raccoon mascot all they want. It’s just like a defence attorney getting his client a haircut and new suit before trial. Because, no matter how often I see their commercial with that respectable, well-behaved raccoon walking through the terminal in a suit and tie and carrying a briefcase, I know – I KNOW- that little felon dumped my green bin all over my front yard before the airport limo came by to pick him up.
Bob Dylan turned 70 this week. Apparently, friends took him to Dairy Queen to celebrate with an ice cream cake. It was there that Dylan told the young woman behind the counter: “Ya gotta soft-serve somebody.”

FINAL THOUGHT

People in Toronto won’t cheer for the Vancouver Canucks because the west dumps on Toronto all the time. Because of this, people in Vancouver will dump on Toronto. Because of that, people in Toronto won’t root for the Canucks. Because of that… (cue Elton john singing “Circle of Life.”)

[box border=”full”]Previously, in THE NUTSHELL[/box]

[box border=”full”]To read the next “THE NUTSHELL,” click here. [/box]

Rookie MP Guidebook Part 3: Behaviour in the House

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Don

The third installment in my behind-the-scenes look at a top-secret guidebook given to all 105 rookie MPs on Parliament Hill.

Today, some highlights from the guide’s rules of appropriate behaviour in the House of Commons:

As you first set foot in the House of Commons, you will notice the plush, green carpet under your feet. Please treat it with great care, as it is only steam-cleaned once per day (twice, if Stephane Dion’s Parliament Hill Fight Club has met). Proper footwear is required at all times. Going barefoot is not allowed and has not been since Pierre Trudeau had the carpet replaced with a deep, luxurious shag, for one session in 1974.

When you take your seat, you will notice a few things: There are 3 headset jacks. One is for English translation, the second is for french translation and the third is hardwired into the Galaxie Music Network. Be careful not to get too involved in enjoying the music when the opposition is speaking as nodding your head to the beat may be falsely construed as you being in total agreement with the member. Those listening to the heavy metal channel are asked to refrain from smacking their heads on their desk. Again, this may be misconstrued as support for the member who has the floor.

The Speakers’ Chair is OFF-LIMITS. We do not believe we have to explain that any further. But in case it’s not clear, please refer to the “Inappropriate Behaviour” section, subsection: “After Hours Visitors”, sub-sub-section: “Maxime Bernier.”

“Mr. Speaker, this is an affront to all Canadians. My audio feed should have an all-Chilliwack channel.”

House of Commons Pages are there to assist you. They may relay messages, research precedent and refill water glasses. They may not “go for smokes,” throw rose petals at your feet as you enter, or sit in for you “for this lame-ass vote on amendments to the Parks Canada procedural guide.”

At the request of the Prime Minister, trap doors have been installed under the seats of all MPs. They are connected to a switch at his desk. Do not be alarmed by a sudden free-fall out of the chamber. Stay calm, curl tightly into a ball and attempt to roll as you land. You will be greeted by a Party Whip, who will inform you as to your House re-admittance time, or escort you to the Parliamentary Library, where you will spend the rest of the session with a rag and a can of “Pledge.”

“Hear, hear,” accompanied by a pounding of your desktop is an acceptable utterance of agreement. “Eat it, Bee-atch!” accompanied by “Double-gunning” of “Devil’s hands” is not. NOTE: One exception to this rule is if John Baird makes a righteous smackdown of an opposition MP.

“Shame,” or “outrageous” are acceptable forms of derision in the House. Giving “the raspberry” is not, unless you are in the front row, where your spittle will not affect the member seated directly in front of you, and can be effectively removed by the carpet cleaners that evening.

When the Speaker adjourns for the lunch session, leave in a calm, orderly fashion. Do not push or run. The shortage of fajitas in the Parliament Hill Cafeteria has been addressed. There will be plenty for all.

In answer to the most frequently asked question we’ve had from rookie MPs: Yes. When you rise for your first question, ever, in the House, you may take out your iphone and snap a self-portrait of yourself. Be aware, however, that Marc Garneau is quite adept at “photo bombing” new members at this moment.

Finally, no “tweeting” while you are in session, unless it is a blurb about official government business. “OMG, this place smells like old people! #boring” is not official government business.

Enjoy the House Of Commons. It’s like being in a class you really hate, but don’t even have to listen, because some nerd (CPAC) is taking notes for you.

[box type=”info” border=”full”]Previously: Handling The Media[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Gaga, Arnold, Bettman and the Gremlin.

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Don